Even more bewildering and frustrating is my wavering confidence that I am being authentic, even when that is probably the case. I suspect the reason is that being authentic reveals so many different conflicting feelings. Being authentic almost guarantees that you will sound inauthentic, or perhaps the better term is inconsistent (or by your detractors, hypocritical).
I've been practicing being authentic. It is hard work.
Last summer, I got in touch with one of my oldest dearest friends. We were childhood playmates and high school buddies. During the seventies, we engaged in long thoughful phone conversations daily. We parted ways when I left New York for south of the Mason Dixon Line. Since then, we have reconnected briefly, a phone call here and there. I was overjoyed when she flew down south for my wedding eighteen years ago.
So when our high school class started planning a 43rd Reunion (I suspect because we had all turned 60), my friend and I tentatively started to write emails back and forth. This led to weekly, then semiweekly phone calls. On the one hand, I experienced the cozy comfortable feeling of having someone in my life who seemed to have known me forever, who could anticipate my next sentence, and could empathize with with my unhappiness and my joy. On the other hand, we discovered we had grown into adults with diverging beliefs about religion, politics, and healthcare (holistic vs. traditional).
Over the course of a few months, it became apparent that my friend could not tolerate my authenticity. I tried to stay clear of the subjects upon which we had different beliefs, but that severely limited the scope of our conversations. Our connection broke one evening when I authentically told her about my religious beliefs, which are quite fuzzy. I suppose I consider myself an agnostic, or perhaps just aperson who accepts there are questions which will always remain unanswered. My friend is a follower of Sai Baba, a Hindu guru who died fairly recently. Since, from her point of view, he still exists, she is still one of his devotees, although she has found a new personal guru.
Although I always accepted whatever she wanted and needed to tell me about her religious beliefs and practices, and how they influenced her daily experience, she was unable to accept mine. In other words, there was no space for me to be authentic. I tried to maintain our connection because our friendship has such a long history, because I do care about her, and primarily because she was a wonderful friend in some important ways. Eventually though, I could not sustain the ruse. We no longer speak. We don't even exchange emails. I miss her, but I can no longer tolerate a relationship where I am not permitted to be who I am. Sometimes, being authentic has it costs. In this case, I suffered a loss of a friend (at least for now), but at least I have me.
