My analyst will be "out of the office" for two weeks beginning Monday. I am dreading her absence. Last week, at the end of Thursday's session, my analyst did something entirely out of character for her. I was about to leave and had my coat on. She stepped out of her office before I opened the door to leave and told me that I am unable to allow people in, including her. As a result, I won't be able to keep her inside me when she leaves. Thank you for that, I thought. I also thought, we don't have enough time to process that before you leave next week. Thank you, again.
Unfortunately, she was correct. Separations have always resulted in tremendous anxiety, loneliness, and despair. I loathed sleep-overs. Prior to leaving for summer camp, I would cry for months, and for at least a week after I had arrived. I've been living in an empty bubble for as long as I can remember. At least since my father died. Decades and decades of emptiness. I am an aging analysand in an empty bubble.
