Since I've entered analysis, I've revisited some old grief, and discovered some sublimated grief. So much to grieve over, and so little time. Death is such an obvious loss and, subsequently, an obvious source of grief (for most). Yet despite, or perhaps because of my analytical ruminations regarding the death of my father when I was fourteen, it continues to hold a powerful grip on my psyche and I can't let go of the pain and sense of disbelief that he's gone. As of late, it seems to have become even more intense. This permanent separation and its consequences never seem to lose their power to literally stop me in my tracks.
This is where the "time heals all wounds" untruth makes its entrance. It never exits the stage. It's an oversimplification (and I've experienced a number of unexpected painful losses; your father's death was the first, incidentally), but I try to notice, if not completely concentrate on, the fascinating things in the world. An artist I like once observed that magic is real and reality is magic. I try not to trot that out too often in front of dull rationalists because they just accuse you of "magic thinking," but what I mean by it is that I try to take it all in, believing in science but not denying its obvious perpetual state of incompleteness and all the apparent daily contradictions. I also like a Dave Davies lyric in the fine Kinks song This Man He Weeps Tonight that goes: "I wish that you could see/All the things that I have seen/This mind of mine is making life worthwhile." Sometimes that helps a lot. Curtis
ReplyDeleteI must admit to being rooted in reality, and I wish I weren't. It's so hard. However, one of my favorite Buffy St. Marie songs is God is Alive, Magic is Afoot. I loved that song so much that my friend Claudia gave me the album during my 3-month stint at Vassar. I'm having trouble making sense of that era, and have been talking to Dr. B. about it. Actually, it's the other way around. She has been trying to focus on it lately. I do like the lines from This Man He Weeps Tonight. To some degree, I suppose "my mind does make my life worthwhile", along with some significant blessings I've encountered along the way, most significantly, my marriage. Also, most scientists I know believe in God, or at least some version of God, precisely because science is incomplete and does not offer the ultimate "how" and "why".
ReplyDeleteCurtis, I just realized that I neglected to acknowledge your comment about my father's death. I suppose it was such a surprise. I'm left quite wordless. Nell
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