My inner judge is relentlessly telling me what I should and shouldn't do. For example, I bought a red floral frilly blouse for the season. I've always had a penchant for floral prints, and they seem to be in style this Spring. On Thursday, I decided to wear it for the first time. I am not exaggerating when I say that I spent about twenty minutes procrastinating as to whether I should or should not wear it. Yes, ambivalence was kicking in full steam ahead. Ambivalence emerged from a harsh place inside me. "I adore this blouse and would love to wear it today, but, is this too young for me"? Or even more harshly, "This IS too young for me". I finally decided I would wear it because I like it and I wanted to, and when fully dressed thought I looked rather fine and frilly, indeed. Still, my inner judge kept reminding me that perhaps I looked terribly foolish. I imagined strangers saying to themselves, "What a ridiculous looking old woman". But then, something remarkable happened. At the end of my dance lesson that afternoon, a young man who couldn't have been more than 25 came into the studio to wait for his lesson. Mind you, I'm self-conscious just dancing alone with my instructor. With an audience, I found myself stumbling and forgetting moves I thought my muscles had memorized. So, when I left, I felt compelled to say to the young man, "I'm a BEGINNER!". To my surprise, he said, "Well I'm a beginner, too. Maybe we can dance together sometime. You're pretty and you can dance". Pretty!! Music to a sixty-plus woman's ears! Although I suspect he was just being polite, I didn't care. I'm so glad I permitted myself to wear my red floral frilly blouse. Guess what? I'm going to wear it again today.
What a great topic: the relationship between the inner judge and outward judges (or perhaps it would be better to call them outward reactions). It's certainly not straightforward. Here another person bested the inner judge. Sometimes, though, the inner judge is indifferent to, or even seems to gain strength from, disagreement with the outside world.
ReplyDeleteThey're such significant dramas, but they're so difficult to write.
Chris (aka "notasetanimal").
Thank you, Chris. A wonderful insight - that the inner judge is indifferent or oblivious to the outward reactions of others, if not at first, then within a day or so.
ReplyDeleteYour second thought is quite provocative, and something I had not considered, but will. It implies, to me, that the inner judge is a form of self-protection, even as it engenders torment.
Nell