The Liar

     About a week ago, my brother asked me to find my Mom a room in an Alzheimer's facility near me.  When he asked me, he said pointedly, as though it was a sales pitch, "I know it's something that you wanted".  Also, he said, he thought it would be better for her to be near me since we have a "better dynamic".  He wasn't being altruistic.  The truth is that he doesn't want the responsibility of being "the go-to" person any longer. 
 
     Getting back to the present, there is a wonderful place a couple of miles away.  I know this because I spent quite some time in the fall of 2010 visiting the facility and researching their Virginia Department of Social Services inspection records with the hopes of having my Mom and Sam move down here.  They didn't come.

     There is a long dramatic back story surrounding that outcome which I prefer not to share.  The importance of the back story is that it left me feeling very angry at my brother at the time.  I'm still angry because I haven't told him.  The last time I started to talk about it he shut me down.

     Unfortunately, they don't have any room now, but my mother is now first on their waiting list.  The manager there suggested an interim plan - to relocate my mother to their "sister" facility in Herndon, Virginia, which is at least an hour's drive from my home.  At first I had been excited about this option, and not only embraced it, but was ready to proceed and get the process going.  However, I changed my mind.  I'm very nervous about telling my brother that Mom is going to need to stay in the Memory Unit in Manhattan for an indefinite period of time.  


     This is the letter I wrote that I probably won't send to my brother.  I have not used names in this version of the letter to protect the innocent and the guilty.

Dear Brother,

     After some further thought, I have some serious concerns about relocating Mom to Herndon to wait for an opening at Potomac Place.  My first concern:  How would Mom react to being uprooted twice - first to Herndon, and then hopefully, to Potomac Place.  Since one move is traumatic, what would be the effect of two?  My second concern:  Believe it or not, I always tend to look on the bright side of things, and armed with my enthusiasj and eagerness, I sometimes agree to something that isn't in my best interest.  I was overly optimistic about the ease with which I will be able to visit her at Herndon.  It's really quite a hike , and involves travel on some high-volume highways.  I drive into the District to see Dr. B. Monday through Thursday mornings, and then I frequently meet with students in the afternoons near my home in northern Virginia.  Logistically, visiting her would be quite difficult for me.  My third concern:  After all these years, I am finally beginning to feel better, and have been going places, doing things I want to do.  Moreover, I actually want to do things.  I was psychologically paralyzed and imprisoned for most of my life.  I think my analysis has given me the freedom to finally live my life.  I don't want to twist myself into a pretzel having to squeeze these long drives off the beaten path into my (now) busy schedule.

     I'm still thinking about the Herndon option, but I'm leaning toward waiting for something to open at Potomac Place, whenever that may be.  Although you and Mom, and yesterday Dr. G, have all told me how miserable she is, I'm not sure visiting her is going to solve that problem.  Of course, I would visit her quite frequently at Potomac Place because it is so close to home, but I think she might very well be just as miserable and lonely there except (possibly) for the time that i am physically there with her.  Mom has never been able to function well when she feels alone, she doesn't let people in, and she has never been able to tolerate separations.  I'm not convinced her moving close to me will alleviate her pain and misery.

     I will meet with the admissions person at Herndon.  I am also going to speak to Mom's psychiatrist again to get his take on two relocations within a relatively short period of time.  In addition, I'm also going to address her separation issues with him to get his sense as to how much that contributes to her current depression.

     I want to restate that I totally understand that you have difficulty talking to or visiting Mom.  I don't blame you at all.  I'm not crazy about it either. Frankly, it's only just recently that I can tolerate her at all.  I can only speak for myself, but in my case, I believe it's because I've worked out most of my rage toward her.  She was a horrible mother, at least as far as I'm concerned.  She was never there for me when I needed help, when I was alone.  She always said, "Call me when you feel better."  However, if it turns out that she remains at The Classic for a few more months, I'll continue to call her, and will hope that she can relocate to Potomac Place when a space becomes available.

Love,
Your Sister

     The truth is I have decided to wait until there is an opening at Potomac Place.  The other truth is that I don't want my mother to move nearby.  I don't need her anymore.