As he is wont to do, he cited some lines from Michel de Montaigne's lengthy essay, "On Experience".
Michel de Montaigne, Paul Landowski, Rue des Ecoles, Paris
"I haven't done a thing today.' - 'Why! Have you not lived? That is not only the most basic of your employments, it is the most glorious."
I was temporarily soothed, but not for long. After all, my husband is engaged daily in what I consider to be extraordinarily significant professional endeavors, while my time is spent doing relatively unimportant things. I have a low-paying part-time job with our county's adult education program, I drive to the District four days a week for my sessions with Dr. B., I take dance lessons, I launder and iron, I cook meals occasionally, and I do my best to make sure the house will never be candidate for one of those awful messy house television shows. Compared to him, I am nothing. More to the point, compared to what I was raised to be, I am nothing. In my family, success meant becoming a doctor, lawyer, or chief. Since I am none of those things, I've spent most of my adult life punishing myself for not having succeeded.
However, if I use Montaigne's criteria, I am a remarkable success story. Dr. B seems to think I am. She thinks I am a very strong person and frequently reminds me that I have carved out a life for myself despite (or perhaps because of) my internal, sometimes paralyzing, conflicts. I don't happen to agree with Dr. B yet. I am grown up and am what I am going to be. I am still a failure.
It sounds as if your husband, your family, and your analyst all have some very clear ideas, and that it's important for you to take a position in this debate.
ReplyDeleteI've been making very slow progress over the past couple of years in dislodging some extremely fixed ideas about success and failure. Cracks have also developed in the certainty that "I am grown up and am what I'm going to be". No replacement certainties are yet on the horizon, and I'm hoping not to discover any.
You noticed that I have difficulty voicing or having confidence in my opinion (sometimes even knowing what my opinion is). You're correct, of course. I need to have position, and I suspect it might contain some elements of all three, but I'm not sure.
ReplyDeleteI know that I wrote that I "am what I'm going to be". But that isn't true. Sort of scary and exciting at the same time. Perhaps there are "no replacement certainties"; I share your hope that there aren't.
Oh, I hope I didn't sound as if I thought you should take a position! I only meant it sounded rather important to you.
ReplyDeleteTaking no position at all might be a very reasonable course where the terms of the debate don't seem to fit.
This is a perfect example of how susceptible I to taking on someone else's opinion as my own. In this case, yours! It's a seemingly automatic process. Very troubling. I've been working on this tough nut for years, and suppose I have made some discernible progress, but I clearly have a long way to go.
ReplyDeleteFrankly, I'm not sure I'm capable of not taking a position yet, even if it's not my own. Something else to think about. Thank you very much for the clarification.
Ah my dear, I have seen how far you have come and I believe that by any measure that you are a true success!
ReplyDeleteMusic to my ears! Thank you so much. That means so much to me.
ReplyDelete